Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Confusion at the gates

Kevin: Um, hello? What’s happened to me?
Angel 1: Hello there. You have just died. Welcome to the gates of heaven.
Kevin: Heaven! Oh, my word! I was wrong. God really exists!
Angel 2: Indeed he does. Now, what is your name?
Kevin: My name?
Angel 1: Yes, we need to find your file.
Kevin: Okay. I’m Kevin Parry. That’s Parry with an ‘a’, not an ‘e’.
(A few moments pass as a large file is recovered from a cabinet and placed on the table. Both angels start reading)
Angel 2: Oh, dear. I’m sorry, but it looks as if you cannot enter heaven. Eternal torment for you, I’m afraid.
Kevin: Darn! I knew I should’ve taken Pascal’s Wager more seriously.
Angel 2: You see, your file says that you are an atheist. I will make arrangements for your transfer to Hades. . .
Angel 1: Hang on a moment! It says here that Kevin was a Christian. That means he qualifies for heaven.
Angel 2: (sighs) No, no. Kevin was a Christian, yes. But he has since rejected the saving grace of our Lord Jesus. He has lost his salvation.
Angel 1: Since when was that a rule? Once saved, always saved, right?
Angel 2: Where did you learn that?
Angel 1: Err . . . well, that’s my interpretation of the Word.
Angel 2: You have obviously interpreted incorrectly. The Word states that any person who stops believing is like the branch that breaks off the olive tree. Romans 11:17-22.
Angel 1: I beg to differ. The Lord himself, In John 10:27-29, says that no believer can ever be plucked out of his hand.
Angel 2: You are not reading that verse in context.
Kevin: Excuse me. . . .
Angel 1: But many of the Lord’s followers believe in eternal security. Take the Calvinists, for instance. . .
Angel 2: The Calvinists are wrong. It’s the Methodists that have it right: a human can loose his or her salvation.
Kevin: Sorry to interrupt. Are you going to let me in or not? I’ve had a bad day, being dead and all, and I want to get this over with.
Angel 1: Sorry about all this. You see, there are so many different teachings on important issues; so many interpretations of the Word; so many verses that seem to contradict each other. It’s all a bit confusing really.
Angel 2: I’m afraid you will have to go back to earth until this is sorted out with the boss up stairs.
Kevin: Does this mean that I will have a second chance at salvation?
Angel 1: Yes.
Angel 2: No.
(Everything fades as another fierce argument breaks out, and Kevin wakes up)
Kevin: Wow, what a horrible dream. That’s the last time I eat pizza just before going to bed.

Laughing Boy has posted a clever response to this dialogue over here.


P3T3RK3Y5 said...

lol - i love it man.

Anonymous said...

They went out from us, but they did not really belong to us. For if they had belonged to us, they would have remained with us; but their going showed that none of them belonged to us. - 1 John 2:19

JP said...

That was great Kevin, I am linking to this. Thanks for the chuckle.

JP said...

I really love that verse Trevor. It shows the ignorance of the christian religion. To assume I never was a Christian to begin with though I loved Him, worshipped Him, praised Him, honored Him, shared His message, gave money and time just angers me to no end.

Jason Hughes said...

LOL! That was great, Kev! Good show!

And jp, I agree with you 100%--Trevor's just trying to play holy spirit in thinking he knows the mind of his unknowable god by spouting a verse, when, as Kevin just showed, is negated by another passage of the same "errorless" book...

Sigh. It's good to know that some things never change in fundie land...

Roopster said...

Is this an original? Would like to post it to my blog someday.


Laughing Boy said...

Serendipitously, Jesus walks past within sight of the gates.

Angels 1 and 2 (yelling out in unison): Jesus! Jesus!

Jesus: Yes, lowly angels, what is it?

Angel 1: Lord, we have a problem here. This gentleman's records are somewhat ambigious. Angel 2 and I disagree as to whether he is eligible for admission.

Jesus (under His breath, shaking His head in resigned frustration): Why must we repeat this nonsense every day? (To Kevin) Man.

Kevin: Yes, Jesus.

Jesus: Would you like to come in?

Kevin: Not really.

Jesus: Then go away.

Angel 2: Ha! I told you.

Angel 1: But Sir, I have documentation that says this man is a Christian.

Angel 2: ...and he thinks that once a person is saved that he can never become unsaved, but that can't be right. This man here is proof!

Angel 1: What about John 10:27-29 where it says no one can pluck them out of your hand?

Jesus: A worthy passage.

Angel 2: But what about Romans 11:17-22 where is talks about branches that once broken can't be grafted back in?

Jesus: Another worthy passage. Both are true.

Angel 2: So can the saved lose their salvation or not? Why is there so much confusion?

Jesus: Have you ever wondered why you two are outside the Pearly Gates?

Angel 1: It is a position of honor!

Angel 2: We guard the Gates of Heaven!

Angel 1: Yes, we are both very proud of our service.

Jesus: Honored ones sit at the table with me. As for those who are granted admission into Heaven, they come directly into my presence because I have called them to me. They don't need to have their credentials checked by you two clowns.

Angel 1: But Sir, the documents...

Jesus: I hold the Book of Life; all other documents are meaningless.(Looking at Kevin) Man, you are free to go.

Kevin: Thank you.

(Fortunately for Kevin, this time it was only a dream.)

Jason Hughes said...

Something tells me there may be a new ABC comedy in the making here....

Anonymous said...

Hey Kevin,

I saw this AWESOME post at JP's blog and I didn't realize he didn't write it! But you still rock, JP.

I am starting to think that I should post it, too. But people may think I wrote it, and that wouldn't be fare.

Anyway. Great Job, Kevin! You've got talent.

JP said...

Don't worry Kevin, I originally linked it! This was too good for me to think up, and my readers know that!

Anonymous said...

Sorry, JP, I didn't mean to point the finger at you.

I am sure Kevin won't have a problem with it either. The link was there, I oversaw it. So, it was my problem.

Kevin Parry said...

Hi all

First off, I want to apologise for not responding that much to comments left on this blog. Things are really busy at work at the moment, and I don't have constant access to the internet. But I do read all your comments (Blogger emails the comments to me). So although I don't get the opportunity to respond, I do consider all the feedback that you provide.

Thank you for all your comments related to this post, and you are welcome to link back to this article. Yes, it is original - it kind of captures my thinking over what I see as contradictory teachings from different sections of Christianity.

Laughing Boy: this is an excellent continuation of my post! If you post it up on your blog please let me know, so I can link back to it.

All the best

Laughing Boy said...


Sarah said...

Hello. I found your blog through P3T3RK3Y5 who was one of my youth leaders a few years ago. Anyway, from browsing your site, I see that you have posted several times about your beliefs about God and Christianity, but I didn't see any about what you believe about Jesus. How would you answer Jesus' question to Peter, "Who do you say I am?"

Knuje said...

But if you were never with Jesus in the first place, are you not judged by works? Otherwise, all the Jews go to Hell despite the covenant....

Think I'll stick with a vague sort of Pandeism....